Parallel Lines

2,838 WORDS - WRITTEN OCTOBER 31, 2024 - RATING: G (internalized homophobia, unrequited love, angst)

Teru was his friend. Nothing more, nothing less.

That was how Mob needed it to be. Nothing more, nothing less. He needed it to be so, because then he could turn a blind eye to all the parallels.

Letting the floodgates open after years of repression came with many growing pains, Mob would find. Many instances where he had to look inward and re-evaluate a lot of his own ideals, a lot of things he felt in regards to other people — in regards to himself.

He thought about it — he really thought about it, and though he still loved her, his love for Tsubomi had always been rather superficial. Genuine, but superficial. That part of him had been right — Mob didn’t actually know her. All he knew was she had been a popular pretty girl he’d known since his childhood. The first friend he had that didn’t shun him for his powers in any way. And there was little else he could tell about her.

Her rejection of his confession cemented all those thoughts. When he really thought about it… it would have never worked at all. They were better as friends. Nothing more, nothing less.

She’d been honest with him, and she really just didn’t feel the same way.

Sure, maybe it still flustered him to talk so casually to her. Maybe he turned into a bumbling idiot when they hung out together. He couldn’t help it. His crush had never left, after all.

But they were just friends now.

And he and Teru were just friends too. Nothing more, nothing less.

Grappling with his new flood of unrestrained emotion led to this — a realization that made him feel sick.

He didn’t want to acknowledge it at first, the way suddenly he couldn’t look his friend directly in the eyes anymore. The way it suddenly felt like staring at the sun. The way he’d catch himself staring at him from afar, thinking of how handsome the boy looked today. The way his hands would clam up when his gaze was returned. The way Teru’s voice made his chest flutter. The way he stumbled over his words trying to hold even the briefest conversation with the boy. The way he promised to change because of him, and the way he did just so. Just for Mob.

... He didn't want to acknowledge any of it. But the parallels were there. They were enough, too much, and so much more. And if there was anything Mob knew for certain, it was that he couldn't do this again.

He was in love, and he couldn't be in love again  It hurt too much the last time. It was the one feeling he had to repress — something too messy, too painful to confront. He’d do nothing but set himself up for ruin, rejection, and heartache.

He needed to keep this under wraps forever. He needed to seal up this dam and ensure it would never burst. He had no way of knowing what would happen if Teru ever learned of his feelings, and he had to make peace with never finding out, even if it would rip him into shreds.

After all, Teru would never feel the same as him, would he? Did Teru even like boys?

Probably not. If he confessed, Teru would probably be disgusted with him. He’d probably stop talking to Mob. If he confessed, it would ruin everything. It'd tear their friendship apart.

And was it really worth it? Muddying up a friendship like the one he had with Teru over some dumb high school crush that could fade with time? And acknowledging the elephant in the room — was it worth risking another city-wide disaster like the one he had caused last time he confessed his love to someone else? Was it worth the risk to thousands, upon thousands of lives?

No. It wasn't. It just wasn't.

Mob had to just live with it. There was no other way. He'd take this to his grave, if he had to.

Maybe it hurt him more to hide his crush than it did to just be honest with Teru. But what was the big deal? He’d improved so much otherwise. He was so much happier than he used to be — nevermind how much this one thing was eating him up from the inside out.

It was only one thing, after all. He could let it slide, no matter how much it hurt him.

"Kageyama, you have someone you like, don't you?" He asked, blue eyes shimmering with curiosity.

Mob could barely spit out a response, blushing and stammering like an idiot. Oh, god, does he know?

Teru gasped. "Oh, you do! I knew it!!!" He said, leaning in. Mob wished they weren't so close together right now. "What's her name? Is she cute?"

'Her' ... Mob's throat felt dry.

He nodded hesitantly. His crush was cute. That much was true. It just wasn't a girl.

"Hmm... I wonder who it is..." Teru mused, holding a fist to his chin. "It's probably not Takane again, right? Hm..." He clicked his tongue. "What about that Mezato girl?"

Mob shook his head. Having a crush on the girl who'd been a huge part of a cult that revolved around him would be weird... not to mention, rather egotistical as well.

"I see... what about Fukami?" Teru tilted his head. "You two dated at one point, right?"

Right. Emi... They had dated. Sort of. In a way. Could you really have called it dating when neither of them had really been that interested in each other? Mob had been giddy at the prospect of a girl having interest in him, but calling it a relationship — calling what they went on "dates" ... it felt weird to him.

"I-it... didn't last,"  He replied meekly. "She... wasn't interested in me."

Teru reached over and gently patted his shoulder — Mob went stiff as a board. His touch felt hotter than fire.

He thinks about how close Teru is. How easy it would be to lean in and kiss him. How the answers to all of Teru's questions were just three words — one single action away. And how he just couldn't do that.

They were friends, after all. Nothing more, nothing less.

"I find that pretty hard to believe," He said, offering Mob a reassuring smile. "You're too cool to not be attracting girls left and right, Kageyama."

Teru could repeat that a million times over, and while maybe for just a moment, it'd boost his confidence... every single time, Mob would still struggle to believe him. He was too plain to grab the attention of any girls at school. Maybe Ritsu had a fair amount of admirers, but if Mob did, it was news to him.

If he did though, he didn't want any of his so-called admirers. He wanted Teru. He wanted him so, so much that it hurt.

Teru seemed to notice Mob was shrinking in on himself, and he pouted. Please don't pity me. This hurts enough already.

"Well, ah... let's just move on from her, okay?"

The pity, the kindness — it almost hurts more than when Teru was literally trying to kill him the first time that they met. The soft look in his eyes made Mob feel nauseous.

And when Teru went on to talk about the girls he himself was interested in, Mob was certain in that moment that he was trying to kill him all over again.

Teru invited Mob to his apartment today. Mob had to keep reminding himself that he shouldn’t keep his hopes up.

Friends visit each other all the time, right? He shouldn’t be so excited. It doesn’t mean anything.

And he was right to tell himself he should temper his excitement, because Teru's apartment reminds him of things he'd rather forget.

Like the blonde wig that can just barely be made out in the back of his closet. Why would Teru ever go out with a guy that shaved his head and nearly killed him not only once, but twice?

He remembers how quiet it was after the confession incident. How Teru said he 'needed space.' How they stopped talking for a few months.

And when they did so again — how, for a while — Teru would flinch whenever Mob used his powers. How for a while, Teru barely seemed comfortable around him — walking on eggshells in efforts not to upset the boy. That time he'd asked about Mob's crushes was the first time since the incident he'd even mentioned Tsubomi in passing.

Somehow it seemed as if Mob had been much wiser in middle school than he was now. He recalls what he said to Teru on the day they met — that deep down he wasn't truly special, at least in comparison to others, and merely an average person. And that had been true. Mob had truly meant that.

Since then, however, the more Mob's feelings grew, the more Teru rose up on a golden pedestal in his mind. The more Mob would occasionally forget that, truly, Teru was just like anyone else. Not more, not less. And just like anyone else, he'd treat Mob like a bomb that could go off at any given minute.

And it hurt. It hurt bad, realizing that on some level, Teru couldn't trust Mob not to explode. It hurt trying to grapple with the idea that maybe he couldn't really change. That no matter how much he freed his emotions, people would still view him as a ticking time bomb that could explode anytime. It made him want to retreat right back into his shell all over again.

After all, it would do no good trying to love someone who was scared of you. What kind of chance did Mob have with his poor friend after traumatizing him for life? He was surprised they even still were friends.

All the more reason for him to give up any hope his feelings would ever be returned.

They play video games together that afternoon. All of Mob's smiles and laughter are painfully fake.

He could hardly believe just how much this was ruining him. It was pathetic. He was pathetic.

He was regressing — retreating back into his shell again and shutting everyone out. Shutting his emotions out. Years of progress were slowly being completely unraveled all because he caught feelings for a boy that might not even like him back.

People were starting to notice something was up with him, but every time someone asked what was on his mind or if he was okay, he brushed it off. He had to. Is there any easy, sane way to communicate "I have a crush on one of my friends and it's literally ruining my life?" He couldn't think of one. Not to mention the fact that he didn't want to run the risk of letting Teru's name slip by accident and have it lead to being outed to his crush by some nosy blabbermouth.

The looks of concern and comforting words from Teru were the worst part of it all, though. He couldn't stand them. He couldn't stand how sickly sweet Teru was to him.

"You seem down, Kageyama."

"Hey, let's get some ice cream, Kageyama. I bet that'll cheer you up!"

"You know you can talk to me about anything, right, Kageyama?"

"Are you okay, Kageyama?"

No. No, he's not okay. He's not okay at all, and Teru doesn't even know that it's because of him.

He can't stand how much the boy obviously seems to pity him. Maybe Teru only keeps hanging around him out of pity. What other reasons would he have? A popular boy like him will have to get bored of Mob eventually. After all, the reason he and Tsubomi's friendship fizzled out as children had been as cut and dry as that — She got bored of him and moved on to other things.

He wants to be mad. Mad at anyone but himself. It'd be so much easier to shift the blame somewhere else. He'd be able to ignore the fact that he was the only one making this as big of a deal as it was. He promised to himself, to everyone he would change — only to chicken out of it the moment some silly, inconvenient crush came along. It was infuriating. He was infuriating.

He could hear a counter ticking up in his head as he ran through all his thoughts. He wanted to cry. He wanted to pull all of his hair out from the roots. He wanted to scream and smash his head into the drywall.

... But he did none of that. He brushed his teeth and went to bed.

It's not exactly out of the ordinary, but Teru seems a lot happier as of recent. Equivalent exchange, Mob figures  — his crush is happy, while he's miserable.

What's responsible for Teru's good mood though, exactly, is anyone's guess, really. The boy seemed oddly bashful — hesitant to reveal much of anything when Mob pried him about it.

Could it be...?

... No. He shouldn't get his hopes up. It would never happen.

Remember, they're just friends. Nothing more, nothing less.

... But a hope still lingers in the back of his mind. It festers every day they get the chance to talk with each other. It burns the brightest when Teru asks Mob to help him shop for flowers. The blonde, embarrassed, lets it slip that the flowers are for some that he ''likes''. A crush, in other words.

Mob shouldn’t have hope he’s the crush in question. And yet he does.

Without thinking, Mob lets a question slip — “Hanazawa, is your crush a girl or a boy?”

The moment the words are out of his mouth, he automatically clamps his hand over his mouth, his face turning beet red. Damn it. God damn it! Of all the times for Mob to run his mouth... Hopefully Teru wouldn't notice the way he was acting after asking that.

The question seems to clearly fluster Teru as well, his face going red as well. His voice wavers a little as he replies. “That’s... such an embarrassing question, Kageyama…”

... Mob never gets a proper response from him afterward. It leaves his hope in the air — undashed yet unchanging. Teru didn't immediately rush to deny that he'd crush on a boy, and that alone was making Mob's mind run wild with possibilities. Maybe he shouldn't have to be so afraid of Teru learning about his feelings, after all.

... Maybe he could work up the courage to confess, after all.

He waits until Teru leaves — he waits until Teru can't be spotted from the shop window anymore, and he forms a bouquet of flowers to purchase. He chooses many yellow flowers — buttercups, carnations, begonias, and sunflowers — the same sunny shade as Teru's hair. A dash of blue — richly colored hydrangeas that match Teru's eyes.

And as soon as he was out of the store, he made the nerve-wrecking trek back to high school, his anxiety and excitement at odds with each other.

'Maybe this wouldn't be a disaster after all,' he thought, walking through the school front doors with his bouquet in tow.

'Maybe he'll actually like me back,' he thought.

'Maybe Hanazawa always liked me,' he thought. 'And he was just too shy to tell me so.'

He could barely contain his excitement, perking up the moment he began to sense Teru's aura from nearby.

He starts to round the corner — around the point where, as far as he knew, Teru's next class was. He had to be here.

He moves agonizingly slow, getting to a point where he can peek over from the corner and just barely see down the hall. He spots Teru's sunny blond hair from behind.

But... as soon as he reaches the corner, he stops in his tracks.

... He hears a girl's voice.

"Do you really mean it, Teruki?" The girl asked, elated. "You... you actually want to go out with me?"

His emotions begin to simmer up to the surface so fast that he could feel them crawling around under his skin.

Please don't. Please don't do this to me. Please don't say...

"Of course I mean it, Haruka," He replied. "It'd be pretty cruel if I were joking, right?"

He can't listen to this. The rest of their conversation starts to drown out amid the growing noise that's filled Mob's head. Immediately, his mind supplies the thought, 'You don't know what cruelty is. You never will.'

... No. No, he shouldn't think that. It wasn't Teru's fault. He wasn't being purposefully cruel here... It was Mob's fault. Mob was too late. He'd missed the boat, and it was his own damn fault he was late.

He turned around and began to walk away, his hair raising on its ends as tears threatened to flood from his eyes. He truly was hopeless, wasn't he?

After all, he and Teru would only ever be friends.

Nothing more, nothing less.

He'd been silly to hope otherwise.